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Damn it’s been way to long sense I posted here! God my life just sorta seems like it’s stalled dead in it’s tracks. I’m trying to get back to the city by October but seems like every obstacle is getting in the way not to mention the biggest one of all….me. The anxiety I feel is not pleasant and I have no idea where it’s coming from. So many things scare the crap out of me about going back, but staying scares me just as much. I feel like I’m missing so much and I don’t know if it’s true but I feel people in Fresno are slowing forgetting me. Not literally but like they are adjusting to me not being there and something that was only supposed to be temporary is slowly becoming permanent. I feel emotionally weaker now than when I left. I need to find my strength. I need to tend to the garden of my confidence. I find my thoughts consumed with He Who Shall Not Be Named. Not that I miss him or want what I had, in fact just the opposite. The inevitable confrontation that we all must face is closing in and the thought of it gives me a sick feeling. What will I say? Will I keep my cool? Will I loose control? It’s loosing control that scares me the most. Rage is a hurricane and even I can’t stop it. I want to just be done with it. Hmm. Maybe I’ll sleep better with my internal thoughts all over the interwebs. Maybe.
Gotta say though, I’m grateful of all my friends both here and there. Don’t know where I’d be without them.


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